Now I'm here, okay?

I've always been on the fence about my frequent daydreaming. More often than not, it comes from a place of dissatisfaction. I'm distracted because whatever is in front of me is not "good enough" to me to remain present for. To put it bluntly it's running from pain, even if it's just the pain of boredom. Besides, it doesn't work. I still feel it even if I turn my mind away from it.

For a long time I saw daydreaming as either something that ultimately creates suffering from the mismatch between dream and reality or futile attempt at escaping underlying problems. Sure, daydreaming can be used that way, but in doing so I overlooked its benefits. I had genuinely forgotten what it's like to have dreams until today. Even if I didn't indulge in imagining a better place, I was none the happier with my current circumstances. If anything, it entrenched me deeper into it, because I didn't bother picturing any alternative. Sure, I didn't complain, but it didn't magically make me open my eyes to the value of all I have. Not in my heart, at least. I can cognitively give appraisal that I have it good, but it does not reach all of me.

When I was little, having dreams didn't make me unhappy. Neither did daydreaming. Sure, with striving comes pain and frustration but I didn't, and I don't, see this as a problem at all. All good things are worth fighting for. If you have something to fight for, that implies having meaning in life. When I no longer felt like dreaming, that should have rang all my alarm bells. It didn't. I just thought I grew out of it. I had this unexamined assumption that chronic unhappiness was immutable part of adulthood.

Lately I've gotten clearer and clearer picture my problem isn't distractibility or daydreams or even chronic unhappiness per se, but difficulty being fully present, immersed in what I have in front of me. I've bonked my head against first psychology and then spirituality for a long time, and I think in the end, when we really look at it, the sense of wellbeing and full presence are intertwined. I would go as far as to say full presence and concentration, or focus, are highly similar with the difference that full presence comes without a sense of strenuous effort. I think it was Sam Harris who said that humans are constantly trying to create circumstances worth being present for. My own addition is that dreaming is the way to map out what those circumstances may be.

I haven't posted in here for a while! Neocities has claimed my soul. I've spent so much time adjusting that silly little site.

I have a peculiar craving in life I have hard time to define. I'm so terrible at focusing, so restless and forgetful I've even considered if I have ADHD, but I believe the way our world is now structured is bound to destroy one's attention span. I have a love/hate relationship with my smartphone. My mental wellbeing can be assessed by the hours I waste on that hell-device, entranced by the little dopamine hits it doles out.

When I was younger, I was able to satisfy that craving. I didn't even have to think about it. It came naturally in my ability to be present with the things I engaged with. It was in a state of play where I still didn't know how to form judgements. I didn't think. I lived. I feel like my improved ability to think has made it more difficult to get in touch with life. It forms a thin yet strong, transparent barrier between the me who's helplessly stuck somewhere behind my face, and the life outside and the more my thought machine keeps up its incessant whirring, the more opaque that barrier grows.

None of the thoughts I come up with feel worth sitting with for long, so in under a second I've jumped to another. Heck, in general nothing feels worth sitting with for long. I wonder if this is a byproduct of my smartphone use, or if this is just a part of growing up. As a kid, I often wondered why adults never looked very happy. Having fun wasn't complicated, I thought. It came naturally to me, after all. Now, looking back, I don't understand how children do these things. It's as if as a part of growing up, many of these instinctive abilities are lost.

Just cracking this thing open.

Hi all! I gotta set up a few things and this silly little blog should be good to go.